The Mother Load: I have the power (not)!

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March 3, 2010

The Mother Load The Daily News of Newburyport Wed Mar 03, 2010, 12:14 AM EST

For some reason, whenever we have a power outage, I get really stupid.

Let me clarify. I'm not stupid about whether the power is out. In fact, I'm pretty clear on the telltale signs:

1. The house is dark.

2. I'm cold.

3. I'm wearing a down parka and furry boots at dinner.

4. Even though I swear the house temperature is below that of your average igloo, my Vienna Mocha Chocolate Chunk ice cream is melting through the carton into my freezer.

5. I now have nine layers of quilts, comforters, afghans — plus one Mickey Mouse blanket that I hope my daughter isn't missing — on my bed.

6. I have spent an entire afternoon curled in a fetal position approximately 16 inches from our fireplace. During that time, my only discernible movement has been to reach over and put another log on the fire. The only discernible sound is whimpering.

And yet, despite all this clear evidence that we have no electricity, every time I walk into a dark room, bathroom, or closet, or basement, I will try to switch on the light. I'd like to say it's just habit — simple muscle memory — and I'm sure that's part of it. But, in all honesty, when I flip that switch, I'm expecting a light to go on.

OK, maybe it's not stupidity, exactly, but it at least qualifies as "flaky."

Sadly, the light switch issue is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Recently, with our power out for two days, I had plenty of time to display a complete spectrum of flakiness.

For example, around midafternoon on Saturday, as I huddled by the fire, I decided that I'd like a nice hot cup of tea. So, I grabbed a mug, filled it with water, put it in the microwave and started pushing buttons.

As my children liked to say when they were younger: Duh!

I wish I could tell you that the silliness stopped there, but it didn't. "Fine," I thought. "The microwave won't work, so I'll just make tea the old-fashioned way." I got as far as grabbing the tea kettle and turning on the faucet before reality began to seep in. I glanced around to be sure no one was watching and tried to put the kettle away as quietly as possible.

Later in the afternoon, I drove to a store. I didn't need to buy anything, I just wanted to get warm. On my return, as I pulled into the driveway, I noted that the lights were still out, yet I repeatedly (and with increasing intensity) wailed on the button for the electronic garage-door opener. Amazingly, once again, the laws of the universe did not bend to my will.

I was equally astute when trying to figure out what we could have for dinner. I knew that there were some obviously wrong answers, like lasagna, or roast turkey, or even canned soup. That, however, didn't stop me from suggesting, "How about grilled cheese?"

"Are you planning to grill it in the fireplace?" my husband wondered.

"I meant peanut butter on toast," I tried quickly.

"Toast," he repeated, nodding his head gravely. He was clearly evaluating my ability to drive or operate heavy equipment.

My teenaged daughter, however, made me feel much better. Frustrated that she couldn't use the computer to do her homework or Facebook her friends, she exclaimed: "I know what we can do tonight! We can watch home videos."

What can I say? She comes by her flakiness honestly.

¬¢¬¢¬¢

Nancy Crochiere is a freelance writer and editor who tries to look at the vagaries of modern family life with humor. You can e-mail her in care of ndn@newburyportnews.com.

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