Relationship stress can be a huge source of misery and health problems. Studies show that marital stress and dissatisfaction go hand in hand with depression and heart trouble for both men and women.
In one study, University of Pittsburgh researchers studied 500 middle-aged women and found that those in high-stress marriages, when compared with those in low-stress and more satisfying marriages, were at greater risk for heart attacks and strokes because they were more likely to have blockages in the main artery of their hearts and in their carotid artery. Stress hormones drive such problems.
Stress is like secondhand smoke; it can poison and ruin a marriage and an entire family over time. Toxic stress is also contagious in families, and once children are "infected," they have a greater likelihood of life problems such as school failure and substance abuse.
Let's summarize briefly what stress actually is so we can be clear what we're talking about. Stress is not just about feeling tense, wired and tired. Stress is about the release of toxic hormones into our systems, hormones that are part of our survival hard-wiring known as the "fight or flight response."
This hard-wired survival response is meant for a time that is long gone, and so it often triggers in error. As a result, our "stress hormone faucet" gets turned on too often, and it stays on too long. Stress hormones then seep into our blood and tissues where they can damage both our body and mind.
Chronic relationship stress releases hormones that drive anxiety and depression as well as elevated heart rate, increased constriction of blood vessels, increased cholesterol and decreased heart rate variability, a heart risk factor.
Low stress levels and success in a marriage or long-term committed relationship depend on our ability to maintain a good supply of love and friendship. All relationships go through periods of heightened stress and dissatisfaction; that stress and strain represent important challenges that can lead to growth and happiness. But chronic high stress squeezes love and friendship out of our relationships and kills them a little bit every day. It's the long-term relationship stress and dissatisfaction that causes harm to our health and well-being.
What sets up conditions for long-term toxic stress in our committed relationships? One core problem is that we don't see our partner accurately, but we think we do. We unconsciously imagine our partner instead — according to our own past relationship conflicts and wounds, including what we went through and observed in our family.
There are at least four people in any long-term committed relationship. There's you and your partner, and there's the person you and your partner imagine each other to be. For love and friendship to deeply endure in a relationship, you and your partner need to become aware of how you create these other two additions. This requires self-knowledge and some work.
For example, imagine a man whose mother guilt-tripped him to control his behavior. If one day, this man's spouse takes him to task for not doing his fair share, then there would be a good chance he would misread the situation and feel guilt-tripped and controlled.
If the man yelled and complained about it while disclaiming responsibility, then his spouse would feel ignored and wrongly accused as a result. This could become a "stress theme" in their marriage, a source of chronic tension and even despair. This kind of thing happens all day long in some relationships when each partner lacks self-knowledge.
Once we have self-knowledge, then we can adjust and consciously respond instead of reacting unconsciously. This helps maintain a healthy flow of love and friendship, and it keeps stress levels out of the red zone. It also allows for deep empathy and concern for our partners.
In the early days of my marriage, if my spouse spoke harshly to me, I would often react as if it were a declaration of war, because of my own psychological baggage. Now, if my spouse speaks harshly to me, I wonder if she's feeling OK, and I give her the room to be grumpy without taking it personally. And she does that for me, too. We both appreciate it as a gesture of love and friendship.
We all need to learn how to develop the capacities to be stress free and healthy in our committed relationships. We have to work to keep the love and friendship flowing over the long haul. If we can't do that, we'll become stressed out and lonely, and our soul will despair. Our task is to keep our relationship alive as an adventure — so that it doesn't become a stress machine or a mere parking spot for our lives.
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Dr. Jim Manganiello is a clinical health psychologist based in Groveland, author, founder of MESICS (www.MesicsTraining.com), and an expert on stress, personal growth and "inner fitness." His weekly "Stress Radio" show airs Wednesdays at 6 p.m. on AM 1450 WNBP. E-mail him at drmanganiello@comcast.net.
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