NewburyportNews.com, Newburyport, MA

Opinion

July 12, 2014

Women who think don't believe everything they're told

“I am woman, hear me roar,” Helen Reddy, 1975.

I am woman, watch me cringe, Barbara Anderson, 2014.

When people become disappointed (or disgusted) with existing political parties, they sometimes start a new party. I’m thinking of trying something different: I want to start another sex. Being a woman in the political arena is getting too embarrassing, one wants to wear a bag over one’s entire body and deny being the same sex as all those women who are hysterical at the moment because they think they are going to lose their birth control because some other people won’t be forced to pay for it.

I could just declare myself a man, if not for my history of falling in love with them; unless I could then claim to be gay, it would be confusing. No, I think I need to form an official new sex called “women who think.”

The hysterical women who believe there’s a “war on women” in which someone is coming for their birth control can belong to the other group, “women who believe anything Democrats tell them,” no matter how ridiculous. As with the League of Women Voters, men can be in this group, too, if they: a) can’t think either or b) want to pretend they believe this stuff to impress some clueless babe.

The clueless babe category includes those female reporters who describe the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision as “declining to provide insurance coverage for contraception.” Maybe they’re just too lazy to research the actual decision, which ruled that some private businesses owned by people who oppose abortion cannot be forced to provide the four (out of 20) kinds of contraception that are used after the sperm and the egg unite, and are therefore considered, by these particular business owners, to be an early abortion.

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