Q: I have a brother who is a pain pill addict. He has gone so far as to have perfectly fine teeth removed to obtain prescriptions. He is a habitual liar and pits one family member against another. His second marriage is ending in divorce, he has lost job after job because of his lying, cheating and stealing, and he recently took advantage of my husband and me on a business project. His whole life is chaos and he has basically conned my parents again about his "sob story" of a life.
My parents are angry with me, my sister and another brother. They have called a "family meeting" to discuss why we should all get along. I cannot attend. Plus, I refuse to be in the same room as someone who has taken advantage of me time and again. My sister feels the same way and she has a previous engagement as well. My older brother simply refuses to go.
My dad is 84 and my mom is 73, and they have been married for 56 years. My brother with the problem has missed numerous family events because of his addiction, including my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I love and respect my parents dearly. But they say I cannot be a part of their life if I do not go to the meeting. To me, this is emotional blackmail. I do not want to be the crutch that carries my brother and I do not want to be hurt by him again. He has a history of physical and emotional abuse, "volatile" as described by the court. Am I wrong to say no?
A: I hear how painful, upsetting and difficult this situation has been for you, and how angry you are at your brother. Addiction can tear apart and destroy individuals as well as families. Drugs can take over decision-making and "highjack" people's brains. Individuals addicted to drugs do things that hurt other people, including those they are close to and care about, as well as themselves. Often, the pain they cause has nothing to do with their feelings toward those people.
You, however, are certainly entitled to your feelings, as feelings do not lie. You need to accept your feelings without guilt. While I do not think that you are wrong to say no, what's more important is that you need to feel you are not wrong to say no. You may also have to come to terms with the fact that your parents may not be able to accept your feelings.
If you continue to struggle with your feelings, whether it is guilt or anger toward your brother, perhaps you can consider getting some support - either from a trained therapist who knows about the impact of addiction on family members or by attending Al-Anon meetings, a self-help program designed to help family members of people who struggle with addiction. If I can be of further help, feel free to contact me again.
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Send questions about addictions or related problems to: Take The First Step, c/o Essex County Newspapers, 32 Dunham Road, Beverly, MA 01915; or send an e-mail to michael_levy@cabhealth.org. Questions will be answered in confidence by a clinical team led by Dr. Michael Levy, director of clinical treatment services at CAB Health & Recovery Services in Peabody and author of "Take Control of Your Drinking ... and You May Not Need to Quit."
